Sunday, October 20, 2013

Hey guys.

So yeah... hey folks. Long time no speaky.

 The last post I wrote was a little over five months ago. I mentioned things got busy and I was coping.

 Well, things kept busy and I'm... not doing so well with the coping. It feels like my default response for the last few months has been, "Doing alright. been so busy! Here's hoping being busy dies down soon." But it has not. And what with the holidays coming up, it might not until next year, which is disconcerting and terrifying to think about.

I've shut down even sharing/taking pictures, which I used to love to do. I haven't put up my Chicago Comic Con pictures on Facebook from August, and my visit to family in Michigan (some of whom I haven't seen in 15 years) resulted in not one picture taken by me. At all. I brought my camera, but just couldn't bring myself to take any pictures. I'm burnt out on busy. I'm not coping. I'm anti-social, I need alone time to function properly, and being in social situations so often for so many months is wearing me down. Has worn me down. In the downtime I do get, I find myself feeling like it's more of an unsettling limbo until things happen again, and I'm having trouble using that downtime to do things I enjoy. I'm not even using the downtime to sleep. I feel like a zombie. A zombie with regular panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to need a whole week of just me in a cold, dark, empty room in order to start feeling normal again.

As a kid, I never had imaginary friends, my whole imagination was my friend. Being anti-social in the real world meant I had a lot of time to myself. Time to imagine scenarios, alternate realities, that I could escape to whenever I needed it. I would remain in that alternate reality for days, weeks even, (not continuously, mind you, just a few minutes here and there, at least once a day, especially just before sleep. But the scenarios of that reality would continue as if I'd merely pressed pause until it was time to imagine again.) until my imagination got bored with it and thought up a new one. This was almost akin to meditating for me. The peace it gave me to imagine something in to existence. Sometimes it was the only thing that could make me happy.

I will say now that this exercise never left me as an adult. It was still a way I could escape if I needed to. Continuously imagining new worlds and realities. Constantly using that part of my imagination. The childhood happiness I used to feel at imagining in to existence would still cause my heart to jump with joy as an adult.

It's gone now. The world of the busy has taken over, and I find myself unable to jump in to that corner of my mind to escape. I can't even get the door to open. While I can say my imagination is still working, the alternate realities division has shut down. And I don't know what to do. It's frightening to think that door may never reopen.

My father suggested the other day that I get back in to writing. He firmly believes that I might be able to find a niche there, in both writing short stories, as well as possibly a web comic. He brings this up every couple years or so, 8 years ago having read a previous story of mine that involved a mystical rooster, crime fighting cows, evil hamsters, and banana pudding. I used to dismiss his suggestions, as well as other friends who've suggested writing as well, because, for some reason or another, writing stopped being enjoyable for me. Now I wonder if I'd even be able to start writing again.

I shall now stop ranting. I came to the blog today to write a bit, and then as usual, a tangent found me. Ha. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

So, basically, like every year on this blog, I post fairly regularly for a while and then POOF. Nothing. Guess that's a thing here, on this blog.

However, although I have been busy, I'm also still thinking of this blog in the back of my mind. I've got pictures of my nails I'd like to share, along with projects, and what not, and mayhaps even some posts with just me typing. Things I'd like to do and things I need to catch up on. Projects that were put on hold do to time. So on and so forth.

Hopefully I'll be able to share all of that with you, blog. I have not forgotten you this year yet. I may even attempt to try and put aside time just to write you. We shall see, blog. We shall see.

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